NYPD’s “Stop and Kiss” Program Violates Freedom of Religion According to Jewish Leaders – Satire


Bloomberg Defends NYPD’s Controversial Stop And Kiss Program

NYPD “Stop and Kiss Program” opponent,  Rebbetzin Shoenfeld, heads a congregation of over 500 Jewish families.  The highly segregated ultra orthodox Jewish flock is one of many in the greater New York City area.  Orthodox Judaism is unique, in that it is a matrilineal religion.  This means that Jewish tradition and heritage is passed down through the female.  While most major world religious leaders are men, in its purest “Torah true” form, Rebbetzin Shoenfeld says that Jewish communities are run by the women.

One of the challenges for Rebbetzin Shoenfeld,  as well as for the thousands of other worldwide rebbetic leaders, is maintaining strict separation of the sexes.   According to Jewish law, unmarried and unrelated men and women cannot have any physical contact with each other whatsoever.

“Really, this separation of the sexes is for the protection of the entire community.”  Rebbetzin Shoenfeld explained.  “You see, men were given an animalistic nature by G-d.  We don’t know why.  Who can explain His ways?”

The Rebbetzin went on to say that it was the job of female leadership in the Jewish community to not only protect women from the uncontrollable lust of men, but to protect the men from themselves.

“It’s an issue of personal safety.  Every male child is issued a protective muzzle and personal monogrammed leash upon his bris (ritual circumcision admitting males into the covenant of the Jewish faith).  Were it not for this initial snip, imagine how much greater our problem would be!  It is the mother’s duty to keep her male child contained until his bar mitzvah (entrance into adulthood) at age 13.”

The Rebbetzin explained the passing of the torch.

“At 13 years old, our young men are sent to religious boarding schools, where the Rosh Kisui Rosh Yehivas (Head Covering Heads of Yehivas) take over responsibility for the young men.  These dormitories are kept under lock and key, and no female images, save for the Rebbetzins who teach there, are permitted within the yeshiva walls.”

She continued, “Any young men who might get enjoyment from gazing at the support hose and orthopedic clogs of the holy matrons are subjected to low voltages of electric shock.  Aversion therapy is what we do best in our educational system!  In rare cases, chemical castration under the supervision of a highly trained herbalist is implemented.  However, this is only used as a last resort.”

Once the young men are sufficiently subdued, it is time for them to be turned over to new ownership.  They are married off to young women in the community who have completed kallah classes (bridal classes).  For these young brides, acquiring a husband is a serious responsibility.

Rebbetzin Shoenfeld explained, “While the girls learn about the care and feeding of their new husbands, and most, in their innocence, feel that they are prepared to ‘control the beast,’  they really have no idea what they are in for.”

Her eyes sparkling, the Rebbetzin reminisced, “When I got my Shloimie, he was such a tame little thing at the chuppah. However, once we got to the yichud room, was I ever glad my mother stuffed my gown with pepper spray and a cable wire!  I had to hog tie him after only 45 seconds of being alone together!”

The Rebbetzin introduced me to some of her colleagues in the rebbetic organization, the IOU, The Isha (woman) Orthodox Union of Rebbetzins.  All the women looked very distinguished, dressed both modestly and professionally.  There was nary an elbow or kneecap to be seen.  I asked why they took such care of their modesty, when the men were being kept under control?  If they had such a tight grip on the problem, couldn’t they dress however they pleased?

“Oh no!” one rebbetzin, who asked to remain anonymous, said. “Their lust knows no limit.  The slightest thing can set them off.  The scent of old garlic on the palm of a hand, foot fungus exposed through an open-toed shoe, a well placed goiter peeking through a blouse that doesn’t quite cover the collar bone.  It’s a heavy burden we Jewish women bear.”

Rebbetzin Shoenfeld spoke up, “This is why the new NYPD Stop and Kiss Program is so dangerous!  Do you know how many attractive female police officers patrol our fair streets in tight polyester uniform pants?  Can you imagine the destruction and mayhem that would occur if such an officer placed her hands upon a religious Jewish man and planted a kiss on him!  These are men who are used to isolation and restricted female physical contact since day one.  Now you want to open that gate to gehennom (hell) – and by a police officer, yet?  You want to make it legal for the men to embrace their animal nature?  Not on my watch!”

With that, the entire IOU broke into the chant, “Not on my watch!  Not on my watch!”

The group plans to collect signatures for a petition to Mayor Bloomberg.  They are also planning a protest outside City Hall.  The IOU is debating whether or not to bring some of their muzzled and leashed husbands to the demonstration.  However, since many protests result in police action and arrests, they are worried that the male presence will prove counterproductive, as the men might act purposely inappropriate in order to get kissed.

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2 thoughts on “NYPD’s “Stop and Kiss” Program Violates Freedom of Religion According to Jewish Leaders – Satire

  1. The Agudah is considering a modification to the policy when female NYPD confront those rare Black Hats who merit their attention. But they put the kibosh on the idea when bloggers started calling it “stop and bris.” ;-) #SATIRE

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